The Grace to Be

I feel like I have sunk into a place where I have been stuck for 20 years after I lost my career and life due to my poor mental health. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and I now also suffer from anxiety disorder and OCD. I now have a psychotherapist, so we are dealing with the root of my emotions and behaviour patterns in a hope to move forward. I feel many people reach rock bottom but it is a chance to evaluate your life and make changes which are more positive. Sometimes you have to listen to your soul and intuition!

We are
Not magic porridge pots.
We scoop the need to be
unlimited vessels of energy,
Spooning more and more
until we reach the dregs
and then we fall into the pot
and drown in our incapacity.

Empty pots.
We smash them
with our shaking hands.
Shards of piercing ceramics,
on our fractured dreams they land.

Broken hearts,
broken minds.
Broken promises,
a life we left behind.
Plucking bubbles of hope
from the sun-risen air.
And I am there.
Chewing on fallen dreams.

Sometimes it’s time
to become an empty vessel.
Release the stress.
Stop the wheel of fortune,
before it spins into
an irreversible mess.

Stop!
Think!
Release!
Heal!
Revaluate!
Feel
your soul’s cry.
Ask yourself
Why? Why?
And what?

Before the fortune
comes the fall.
Pick yourself up,
hear your spirit call.
You can be free!
Just bless yourself
with the grace
to be.

Sarah Drury

Big Enough

I have searched the world for answers
Hurled my soul through
stratospheres of
God is this
and God is that
Jesus the perfect
on his right hand sat
And I ate up all the questions
and spat out all the dogma
Tasting the tang
of mental health stigma
masticated into morsels of
bite sized cosmos

And I ask the heavens
“Am I good enough for God?”
Should I worship at the altar
of the footsteps Buddha trod?
I’ve prayed for acceptance
For all my life
I’ve yelled to the deities
I’ve battled through
rough pain and strife
Lunatic, heretic, mother, wife
Is the universe having a laugh?
It’s slaughtered my dignity
with a hellfire-blade knife
and I hang on with a tiny glimmer
of hope

I’ve knelt down on one knee
to the Goddess of the moon
Pleaded to the archangels
Asked if my repentance
would be respected soon
Sung hymns to
a maverick’s tune
Praised and praised and praised
And meditated for days
Heart in a coma, head in a daze
Swallowed esoteric words
Which the new agers say
will lead to my enlightenment

I’ve laid on beds of crystals
Had hands lay upon my chest
Glorified the power of chakras
Searched the aura for the best
jewel in my spirit
I’ve eaten spiritual books
I’ve put God to the test
Cleansed my tainted soul
Burned the candles
Sacrificed love lest…
I meet my soulmate

And I ask myself
Am I good enough for God
As I cut myself down
And throw off my crown
And I meditate
And my heart creates
And the universe then satiates
And I hear a voice
A tiny voice inside my head
At first I couldn’t make out
the venerated words it said
But the universe spoke
and my full heart heard
And I knew it was God
who spoke the words

“Am I big enough for YOU?!”

©2020 Sarah Drury

Ava

Twenty stone of unadulterated Goddess
Bones embellished with beauty
Heart as full as a cherry blossom in Spring
Each cascading petal the lips of
Venus planting kisses on the weary
and troubled
Compassion is her gift that’s doubled
within her sacred soul

Ava went to the pool one day
Gracious, bountiful stature
Ignorance cruising to bruise her
Modest, mindful, marvellous,
Measly, mocking men, miserable males
making misogynist mallarky
Ava, in her infinite wisdom
whispers
‘I am what I am’

‘She’s fat, she’s farmyard fodder
Hairy legs disgust me
Stomach like a pregnant whale
Who would woo a whore
while wishing for
a wanton wank
Never seen as ugly
and her armpits stank
Ava, in her infinite wisdom
whispers
‘I am what I am’

Men being fools, being stupid
Flirting with the girls, playing cupid
Stupid is what stupid does its true
Diving in, showing off
Haven’t got a clue
Till tragedy struck
Man hits head and oh fuck
What do we do, what do we do?

Ava could have turned a blind eye
She could have looked up to the sky
and said karma, you get what you give
You mess up, you die
You spend your days in states of grace
You flow, you live
Ava, in her infinite wisdom
whispers
‘I am what I am’

Twenty stone of goddess
Her mermaid tale she wears
Forgetting the taunts and the cruelty
Saving souls she smoothly sails
In sanguine stars of shining saviours
Man finds breath of life within
this once monstrosity
And she stands there
Shining like a lighthouse
in a sea of misogynists
Ava
in her infinite wisdom
whispers
‘I am what I am’

This smattering of
shit on the sole of her sanctity
Their scathing tongues
are scarred with silence
In their mocking eyes
cataracts of prejudice are stripped
with non-judgmental fingers
Their taunts and wicked words
should linger
But
Ava’s words
echo in whispering mantras
‘I am what I am’

©2020 Sarah Drury

Fat Ass

Fat ass on the chair
Breathing in the air
Meditating

Fat ass on the chair
Breathing in the air
Thinking I am Buddha’s besty

Fat ass on the chair
Breathing in the air
Focussss…

Fat ass on the chair
Breathing in the air
Focussss…
To think Brenda said that
Elaine said that Jenny said
that Sonia had been arrested
for doing naked yoga
with her saggy tits
on the London Eye
Focussss…

Fat ass on the chair
Breathing in the air
Focussss….
Oh, I so want a fag
But John said I smell
like a discarded smoker’s lung
from a lung transplant
I could neck a bottle of Prosecco
I know I mustn’t crave
I’m like Satan
with a lighter fuel addiction
and a match
Focussss…

Fat ass on the chair
Breathing in the air
Focussss…
Oh shit, did I switch
the hair straighteners off?
And did I clean the toilet
and get some more air freshener
cos Sophie’s coming round
tonight
with her Irritable Bowels
Focussss…

Fat ass on the chair
Breathing in the air
Focussss…
Oh good its Coronation Street tonight
Gail caught that Roy
putting weed in the
chocolate brownies
after she jumped off
the top of the viaduct
thinking she was
Harry Potter paying quidditch
Focusss…

And stop
And breathe
And open my eyes

Ahhhhh
That went well

©2020 Sarah Drury

Inhale

I have been embracing my spirituality lately and it feel so good. I love the Buddhist teachings but also love astrology, oracle cards, and Western and Eastern philosophy, so am a bit of a spiritual whore! I meditate every day and am already reaping the benefits.

I’m cultivating a lotus
from within

Inhale, Exhale
Each breath shapes
a sigh of a promise
A birthing phenomenon
grips my throat
like fingers around a
pessimist’s neck
Squeezing the negativity
like some kind of cosmic toothpaste

Oxygen tangoes pirouette on the tongues
of the would be Buddhas
Leaving behind the
hate and the frustrate
and the wicked glimmers of
acid lipped negative
Psalms and hallelujahs
ring out to Jesus
Whilst the mantras of monks
whisper to miracle of enlightenment

Each mindful moment
dissolving on my mind
Teasing on the point
of nothingness
Looking between the silence
to find…the serenity
seeping into my sanguine senses
To suffer is to die
Whilst to live in peace
is as empty as infinity
With a compassion fuelled heart
and a mind as awake
as a songbird singing sonnets
in a summer dawn

My life is a pavement
My heart is a flower
Seeking solace between the cracks
and refuge in my inner power

Existence is a privilege
we often denigrate
With our pills and our knives
And our poison dart words
echoing in chasms of dissonance
And now I must regenerate
integrate
embrace

Miracles can shine through
the darkest twilights
Each point of consciousness
a birthing star
Each glimmer has a home in faith
My consciousness can reach as far…
as eternity

I’m cultivating a lotus from within

Inhale, exhale
The shoulds and coulds
shout their moralistic monologues
holding me hostage
at the tip of a therapist’s theorem
My contradicted spirit
I did, but I didn’t
I can, but I can’t
It is, but it isn’t
And I’m doing my best
to assimilate the notion
That meditation can
spring into motion
transformation

And I am a thoughtless thought
Drowning in a spiritual thirst
My darkness a candle that’s flickering and dying
My light a torch setting fire to the world

I’m cultivating a lotus within
Inhale, Exhale
I am
the stillness
within

©2020 Sarah Drury