Shit Mum

WARNING: SWEARING ALERT! Yesterday was a tough day where I felt like a totally bad parent. I felt like rocking with a teddybear, sucking a dummy and banging my head on a wall! I must defiantly admit it I didn’t think as a mother I would be so shit A northerner, a salt of theContinue reading “Shit Mum”

You Said You Loved Me

You said you loved me When we feasted our eyes it was love at first sight I could barely see you with my shitty eyesight And your dodgy white dentures gave me a real fright And we would have looked better in the fog at midnight But you loved me. You said you loved meContinue reading “You Said You Loved Me”

Shout Out to the Perfect Mums

I’m far from a perfect mum. I hardly ever wear make up, slob around in my pj’s, swear like a trooper and feed my kids McDonald’s fodder. So here’s a tribute to the other Stepford wife mums! Shout Out to the Perfect Mums Shout out to the perfect mums Long bleached hair in pristine tousledContinue reading “Shout Out to the Perfect Mums”

Holiday Time in the Land of the Curvy

Holiday Time in the Land of the Curvy Its holiday time in the land of the curvy It’s big girls’ vacation to Benidorm Me and Janet and Brenda and Mabel Are sunning it, keeping our bazookas warm. Our lady bits hiding behind pink bikinis Designed to hold nuclear weapons in tow The spillage is startingContinue reading “Holiday Time in the Land of the Curvy”

Chatroom Queen

Before the advent of Tindr and Snapchat
In a time when Facebook was not even an embryo
In Mark Zuckerberg’s pre-billionaire mind
And Instagram not even a glimmer of a concept
(I shudder at that thought!)
There were the internet chatrooms.
Ah Yes!
Thieves of regulated sleep and purveyors
Of illustrious one-night jaunts