Valium

Valium
My old cathartic friend
Take a seat beside me
Fuck the ‘don’t get addicted’ trend
Wash down the pill
Act out the finale
That never fucking ends
In your dramatic air
Of sensory obliteration

Take my mind far away
To some fond childhood day
When neurosis
Was a word
I hadn’t even heard
When psychotic, insane voices
Were just another
Exhibitionist exotic bird
And now when I
Hear them singing
They snarl in tuneless, grimy
Sinister threats
Like my life
Smiling at strangers
When the face in the mirror
Is full of acrid, bitter regrets
And hatred

So I pop a Valium
And wait for that glorious
Blanket of don’t give a fuck
I think my friends and family
Must have mistakenly mistook
My strangeness
For not taking my meds again
Does anyone really think
I would inflict that
Suicidal pain
I’d rather stick
Hot needles in my
Eyes
I’m not that fucking crazy.
But who gives a shit now
The chill starts to spread
I’m starting to feel lazy
If I could bottle this feeling
I could peddle it
Drug dealer hazy
Street cred
As fuck

I pop a Valium
It steals my thoughts
Those charming, psychotic quirks
Mad hatter moments
That can’t be bottled and bought
And I am Alice
Lost in Wonderland
And there ain’t no tea parties here
Just psychosis in a teacup
And lithium cake with a side helping of fear
As the medics binge
on the cream
Of condescension

But you, my faithful friend
I may be addicted
But fuck it
Lithium chick
The side effects are contradicted
What is better?
Blood on the hands of a psychiatrist
Or sanity in the minds
Of the heavily medicated
And I owe you
My fucking life

©2020 Sarah Drury

OCD Showdown

Have you ever suffered from OCD? People associate OCD with obsessive cleaning but that is not necessarily the case. OCD is characterised by intrusive thoughts which are obsessive. When my OCD is triggered, it is terrifying. I go into panic mode. It takes over my thinking, my actions, my vision and often triggers severe anxiety attacks. I am on medication but the OCD manages to overpower it. I’ve even had cognitive behaviour therapy.

Here’s a poem I wrote today as my OCD has flared again and I wanted to express how it feels.

OCD showdown

Why
Just why?
Senses traitors
Neurosis is
Narrator
Genre horror
Kill myself
tomorrow
Thoughts
Of terror
Grip me
In a mind fuck
Prison
Just envision

Your
Worst nightmare
Strangled by
Brain trauma
Everywhere
Wish I
Didn’t care
Neurons firing
Ghost train
At a dead man’s
Fair

Sensory overload
Salvador Dali
Paints a masterpiece
In my
Surrealist psyche
Rachmaninov
Playing concertos
I do not like

It’s not real
It is real
For me
I live though things
You do not see
Fear
Kicks off
Alternate universe
Body shuts off
Emotions terse
I write this verse
To rationalise

Sight fucked
Ears fucked
Dirty
Can’t touch
Bleach
Taints the air
Too much
Thinking
Too much
Feeling
Too much
Seeing
Too much
I need an
Off switch

©2020 Sarah Drury