Shit Mum

WARNING: SWEARING ALERT! Yesterday was a tough day where I felt like a totally bad parent. I felt like rocking with a teddybear, sucking a dummy and banging my head on a wall! I must defiantly admit it I didn’t think as a mother I would be so shit A northerner, a salt of theContinue reading “Shit Mum”

The Birds and the Bees

How do you have sex mum? How are babies made? Then I glance at my phone And see my son has been asking our friend Google Home And our Google friend is no holds barred He says the penis goes inside the vagina And I gaze at these robotic, grown up words And wonder ifContinue reading “The Birds and the Bees”

Shout Out to the Perfect Mums

I’m far from a perfect mum. I hardly ever wear make up, slob around in my pj’s, swear like a trooper and feed my kids McDonald’s fodder. So here’s a tribute to the other Stepford wife mums! Shout Out to the Perfect Mums Shout out to the perfect mums Long bleached hair in pristine tousledContinue reading “Shout Out to the Perfect Mums”

Holiday Time in the Land of the Curvy

Holiday Time in the Land of the Curvy Its holiday time in the land of the curvy It’s big girls’ vacation to Benidorm Me and Janet and Brenda and Mabel Are sunning it, keeping our bazookas warm. Our lady bits hiding behind pink bikinis Designed to hold nuclear weapons in tow The spillage is startingContinue reading “Holiday Time in the Land of the Curvy”

Fat Club

Fat club My tummy was hanging like a butcher’s apron My arse was saggy like an old bin bag My tits were touching my belly button And my chin was wobbling like an old, sad hag. So I decided to go to Fat Club. I walked through the door to be greeted by Ladies ofContinue reading “Fat Club”