I wish I were Piers Morgan

I was trolled on Twitter yesterday and although I know I should take it with a pinch of salt and not really care what others think, just be true to myself, it really unsettled me.

I thought about a journalist cum presenter we have called Piers Morgan, who is fearless, and wished i could be like that too. Not give a shit about the naysayers. It inspired me to write this poem.

I try to be hard
But my marshmallow heart
Feels roasted
My integrity burnt
My tough façade
Graffiti bleeding through
A silk sheet
Peddling grime with the
Street crew
But missing the
Ferociousness of
The beat

And I wish I were
Piers Morgan
Bullshit detector
Extraordinaire
Pheromone eyes
Glinting with
The sting of satire
Tempestuous tweets
Cascading from a
An impetuous beak
With anarchic hair

I wish I had his
villainous, acid tongue
That seared scars
Into fuckwits and enemies
I wish my tongue
Dripped impertinence
A cutlass assassin
Slitting verbal throats
For an
Extortionate
BBC fee

I wish I were
Piers Morgan
I wish I could
Just say
Fuck you
And not
whimper like
Mary Poppins
Failing to have
A satisfactory cum
When she has
A polite and
Impeccable
Screw
And my dreams
Are filled with
The trolls
Painful, excruciating
Screams
As I curse
All their nightmares
With a twist
Of sacrificial voodoo

I wish I were
Piers Morgan
I wish

©2020 Sarah Drury
Image Source: Getty Images

Shit Mum

WARNING: SWEARING ALERT!

Yesterday was a tough day where I felt like a totally bad parent. I felt like rocking with a teddybear, sucking a dummy and banging my head on a wall!

I must defiantly admit it
I didn’t think as a mother I would be so shit
A northerner, a salt of the earth working class brit
But I’m about as patient as a toddler who’s been asked to sit
Through twenty episodes of Coronation Street with a lip that’s bruised and slit
But I’m building him up for a spell at her Majesty’s in the nick
When he’s fifteen years and a bit.

I think I’ve just had enough
I didn’t think as a mother it would be so tough
I didn’t think the days would be so dreary, nights so rough
I never knew CBeebies was such torture til I’d had enough
Of Mr fucking Tumble and his Makaton special stuff
I want to get the fucker into everlasting handcuffs
Let’s see him last five minutes in this ruff and tumble neighbourhood.

I think I need a fag
I didn’t think as a mother I would lose my rag
I didn’t think I’d turn into a bloody vicious nag
Thirty years ago I was a stunner, a looker, a stellar shag
And now I’m looking rougher, like a no fag, no shag, hag
And I slob around in PJ’s like a degenerate, depressed bag
With my Primark/Lidl/Aldi/Iceland cheap ass price tag.

I know I’m no Barbie doll
I didn’t think a mother’s life would seem so bland and droll
I didn’t think I’d end up with the amusement shortfall
Playing games of banging heads against a council concrete wall
Wishing I could stab a knife into my bleedin kid’s football
My kid acting like a gangsta when he’s only 5 foot tall.
Saying no she don’t live here when the hard debt collectors call.

I didn’t think that as a mother I would be so shit
I didn’t think that as a teacher I would be so bad at it
I always thought that I would be a Supernanny big hit
But now I’m slumming, tunes a hummin, leggings that my arse don’t fit
My kid’s a screaming, social worker’s looking at my home pit
And making snotty comments about the mess and bloody state of it.

But I try my best, each shitty day to be a better mum
But it’s hard when you’re bipolar and the moodswings always come.

©2019 Sarah Drury

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa
I know I haven’t always been a good girl
But please give me a bleedin’ break
I don’t ask for much, but every woman has her desires
For goodness sake.
I run myself ragged, day in, day out
Autism mum first and foremost
Harassed bitchface, mardy cow
There are days when I don’t even know how
The women in Syria even survive
When I can’t even deal with a meltdown
When the depression dances and the anxiety thrives.
But I have been good most of the time
Even if I have overdone the chocolate treats.
My ass would plead to be freed from the deed
Of ride a cock horse and demolish your steed
And my belly which rhymes with jelly and looks like
A sugar laden simile.
I know I am not the smallest
But Santa, let’s be having none of that bloody
Weight loss guilt trip stuff on the telly.

And don’t be bringing me
Sex toys
Toy boys
Boy toys
Vibrators made of metal alloys.
Or tinsel nipple tassles
As the latter will be more like toenail ticklers
And it’s not even worth the hassle.
And let’s leave the pretentious cook books out of the picture
The only things getting cooked around here
Are microwave chips, ready meals from Iceland
And pie in the sky dreams of winning the lotto and getting richer.
Mary Berry’s probably a nice lady
But baking Tirimasu isn’t part of my criteria
So she can piss right off and peddle her fancy treats in fucking Siberia.
Maybe the polar bears have a penchant for pavlova
And maybe the Great British Bake Off’s just a load of middle class hysteria.

Santa, I don’t get much time to myself
So if you have a supernanny in your sack
Not your sack in a nanny
Then please release my lack of peace
And grant me the odd night with my fabulosa friends
To feast, to go ‘on the piste’
To be a woman on a mission with a glass full of brandy
And a nice plate of veggie curry would come in handy
And a bit of pissed up karaoke would be fine and dandy.
I like a bit of mic
I like to hog the limelight.

And I don’t want to be a selfish bitch, Santa
But I don’t suppose you have a spare MacBook or iPhone?
I know I shouldn’t ask
But when you’re a single mum and on your own
And you spend the nights surfing the web
Drinking in the likes on Facebook
Like a hungry dog licks on a bone.
Nights dripping in poetry, weaving wise words,
Reaching out to the world yet feeling fucking alone
You like to fiddle and twiddle and let your fingers skadiddle
You like to build with your words a metaphoric home

So, Santa,
I’ll leave it up to decide if I’ve made your good girl list.
But
Leave out the mistletoe or you’ll be kissed with my fist!

©2019 Sarah Drury

Shout Out to the Perfect Mums

I’m far from a perfect mum. I hardly ever wear make up, slob around in my pj’s, swear like a trooper and feed my kids McDonald’s fodder. So here’s a tribute to the other Stepford wife mums!

Shout Out to the Perfect Mums

Shout out to the perfect mums
Long bleached hair in pristine tousled curls
Face firmly fixed with your 100 quid foundation
Diamonds on fingers and dripping with pearls.
Lipstick, mascara, misrepresenting a nation
Of mums with faces of yesterday’s slap
Running mascara, like the legs of a spider
Lipstick smeared like a hospital trauma
Basically looking like a pile of crap.

The perfect mums in their 4×4’s
Gleaming metallics and pristine doors
Valeted everytime little Portia drops her dried fruit treat
No Happy meals of Burger King
Or nothing remotely good to eat.
Not one sign of a Mars Bar as it will rot her precious teeth
And Kettle Chips not Walkers Crisps
For us working class are beneath
The perfect mum.
A Stepford wife
A crazy robot fantasy wife
A healthy wife, a wealthy wife,
A look at you like you’re shit wife.

Shout out to the perfect mums
In their tailored designer Gucci suits
And Vivienne Westwood leather mules
And Dolce and Gabanna Chelsea boots
Which feel like walking on broken glass
With your nose in the air
And your notions of class
And don’t you know your ideals are crass?
While we real mums
We don our Primark pyjamas on the school run
A pair of Asda slippers gracing Our grossly swollen feet
From standing in the queue at the Job Centre
Universal Credit is noone’s Friday treat
Who gets dressed up for the foodbank?
The politicians and the Royal obsolete!

Shout out to the perfect mums
With their reward charts and positive reinforcement
While I am calling cops
To control my kids, the law enforcement.
Porsches for birthdays, horses for Christmas
Privileged kids with no idea of lack
While my naughty kid has to make do
With a few lumps of coal in his Santa sack.
Mini meals of quinoa, asparagus and olives
Drinking smoothies of coconut and kale
Annabelle Karmel’s children’s classics
Not Asda ready meals going cheap in the sale
Or mechanically churned up hotdog meat
Gut churning staples of the working classes.
Beans on toast or egg and chips
Feasts for the Universal Credit masses.

Bring on the Happy Meals,
Bring on the burgers
Bring on Ronald McDonald
And his underpaid workers.
Bring on the Burger King
Bring on the fries
Bring on the screaming toddlers crying out their eyes.
Bring on wardrobes from Primani
Bring on yesterday’s makeup
Bring on Jeremy Kyle
And cut that bloody cake up.

Shout out to the imperfect mothers
Making it through each goddam day
Struggling with their pitiful pennies
Until hallowed Universal Credit payday.
Hands up to beans on toast
And bacon, egg and chips
Hands up to chippy dinner
Mum’s a chip pan whizz
And donner kebab for tea.
And super noodle nights
We’re not the perfect mums
For really whoever is?

We will never have botox lips
Or liposuction hips
Champagne for dinner
Caviar on canopies
Holidays on grand cruise ships
But we are here and we are real
With our daytrips to Cleethorpes
And picnics in the park cos its free
Dreams of being the perfect mum
And sipping on ice tea
But its three bottles of Lambrusco
And a Chinese takeaway for tea.
And we don’t need no grandiose
It’s the little things
That make us
happy.
We are
Happy.

© Sarah Drury Poetry

Holiday Time in the Land of the Curvy

Holiday Time in the Land of the Curvy

Its holiday time in the land of the curvy
It’s big girls’ vacation to Benidorm
Me and Janet and Brenda and Mabel
Are sunning it, keeping our bazookas warm.
Our lady bits hiding behind pink bikinis
Designed to hold nuclear weapons in tow
The spillage is starting to pillage a village
Four twenty stone women with tans in full throw.

We’re living the high life, an all inclusive
Including the men that we’re planning to shag
Laviciously drooling o’er pert Spanish butts
Whilst knocking back cocktails and puffing a fag,
Four twenty stone women, that’s eighty in total
Planning to shag some poor, young ten stone bloke
He’ll need to upgrade his medical insurance
And knock back ten whiskies and five lines of coke.

Its cocktails all round as we top up our tans
All smothered in lotion like pilchards in oil
Poor Janet is sizzling like sausages frying
Her tits are well done and her butt’s on the boil.
I remember a time when my boobs fit in B cups
My bum was a peach and my figure alight
Now my boobs are two missiles, my bum is a planet
And when the boys snigger, I put up a fight.

The buffet’s all free and we fill up our plates
As we pile up paella and omelette and chips
As we down several jugs of inclusive sangria
A moment on lips means a life on the hips
The hygiene is dodgy, the cleaning is splodgy
The cleaners do nothing, sod all gets done
We’ll be hogging the toilets with germ fucked tummies
And popping the pills for our poor old sore bums.

Nightime we strut like a pack of proud peacocks
Crammed into wee garments as small as a condom
Butts bursting out, boobies packing some clout
G strings so long they’re mapping tube tracks in London.
And I feel like I’ll score in my hot Chanel perfume
And the guys will fall dead at my je ne sais quoi
And perhaps if I’m lucky I’ll lure in two guys
And the three of us will have a menage-a-trois

But the holiday’s gone, at the airport we are
And we’re packing our butts into Barbie sized chairs
And the stewardess offers a packet of peanuts
And a shitty sandwich made of boiled egg and cress
The plane is so heavy its stutters and splutters
The pilot announces we’ll have to get off
So we’re left on the runway in shit Benidorm
Hungover and deep fried and had enough.
Fucking Easyjet!

© Sarah Drury 2019

Chatroom Queen

Before the advent of Tindr and Snapchat
In a time when Facebook was not even an embryo
In Mark Zuckerberg’s pre-billionaire mind
And Instagram not even a glimmer of a concept
(I shudder at that thought!)
There were the internet chatrooms.
Ah Yes!
Thieves of regulated sleep and purveyors
Of illustrious one-night jaunts
And illegitimate kids a plenty
Illicit affairs of the QWERTY variety
Where one miniscule postcode typo
Could leave you meeting your lover
In Leeds and not the Loch Ness.
The dirty perverts would be loitering
Hiding behind
seemingly innocent sounding names
like Annabelle and Lolita
and there were no Androids or iPhones
for selfies of the kind where
you didn’t need lipgloss, mascara
or a Botox pout
but a genital Brazilian was
a fashion statement
and genitalia were a figment of
the digital imagination
And I would bide my time
Until the anonymous men would flock
Like mosquitoes around a virgin’s blood
Me with my labels
Juicylovejugs,
Whorezilla
Wombinator
I would hit on the cocky desperadoes
BigDick69
Dreamboy666
And other such delectables
Assessing whether the Price was Right
Win a dreamboat luxury yacht
Or a pint of lager and a packet of crisps
Down at the old Bull and Bush.
If you were lucky,
The Generation Game,
A millionaire with a pacemaker
A paper bag and bang
You were rolling in the cash
And having a tit and bum job.
(to raise your odds with the living squad. )
There were always the knobheads
Full of cocky bollocks
“If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me”
ME: “in a body bag”.
“I’m not a photographer but I can picture me and you together”
ME: “in a suicide pact”
“Are you a magician, because whenever I look at you, everyone disappears”
ME: “cos they were wise and got the fuck out”
“Are you religious?
Because I swear you’re the answer to all my prayers”
ME: “In the church of Satan”.
Yadda
Yadda
Yadda
For hours I would listen to
Disintegrating men sobbing over their love-bite ridden
Cheating ex’s
Before the advent of the fashion
Of the desparation
Of the proles
To splash their banal drama
Over primetime t.v.
The real weirdos would ask me for
My lacy knickers!
Not even laundered
But infused with the juice of
My unspeakables.
A quick rub with an old bit of cheese
And a smitchen of W40
Could have earned me a tidy twenty quid.
The pinnacle of my chatroom nights
Living my best days while
The drunks collapsed, inebriated
Slavering over their keyboards
With their goodnight message
Fuckimfuckedcanttypenighhhhhhhhhhhhhzzzzzzzzz
I met them all
As they cried into their microwave meals for one
Tears defrosting the frozen chips
As they looked for mummy to clean their nappy,
As they wanted to know what ‘I am wearing’
And I’d tell them they were crotchless
And not the granny variety
As they fantasised over my schoolday showers
And imagined a garden of a virgin flower
I saw it all
And nothing was a shock
For my sex education
Was born in a chatroom
In a hot seedy bedroom
Somewhere in the suburbs
With the dial-up tone
The signal
For hot, steamy action
Back in the 90’s
Living my best life.

© Sarah Drury poetry

Primani

Primani

Let’s hear it for Primark!
That cut price clothing behemoth
Where people flock and shop with shock
At ridiculous bargains, eyes agog.
Fill yer baskets, fill yer baskets,
Baskets like plus sized body bags
Shove it in, yer jeans, yer shoes,
Yer jim jams, yer panties, yer bags of rags.
Come along to the glittering golden
Universal Credit shopping paradise
Clothe your family of ten and your neighbour’s kids
For less than a McDonald’s, a bargain price!

The tired mums, red blood eyes,
suffocating their pushchair kids.
With three sleepsuits, a batman suit
and a bra with cups like jam jar lids.
The well toned teens, with their Adidas shoes
Strutting their stuff like like a pack of hyenas
Preening and posing and prancing and dancing
Like a bunch of pricks at Manchester arena.
Lairy with the arrogance that they will not
Have to take back panties that are not looking hot
For they are parachutes at a plus size twenty
Yet still don’t cover your whole lady spot.
Thinking they are James Dean or Marilyn Monroe
Hanging round the fire doors, smoking dodgy fags
Thinking they own that gangsta shit
With their £5 jeans in their cheap paper bags.

Bags, bags, let’s hear it for the paper bags!

Be careful when you step outside
With your Primani bags in the pissing down rain
A satin camisole and six pairs of silk stockings
Will go stumbling and a-tumbling down the stinking council drain.
At least you have the satisfaction of knowing that
You have a paper bag as big as a tent
Which will come in handy when you’re made homeless
From the ludicrous amount you’ve overspent!

Shoplifters looking innocent while they secretly gloat
As they stuff cans of Lynx down their rip of Nike pants
Until 20 tubes of mascara fall from their coat.
And the guards they come a running, the fucking pedants
And they leg it out the doorways like Sonic on speed
They won’t even make enough to score a joint.
And the police are coming quickly to arrest the dodgy fuckers
No bang for their buck, that’s not the point!

Security guards too busy singing poor renditions
While the dodgy folk make off with pickings of all kinds.
As another karaoke king ignores the exhibition
Of the policemen nicking wankers and slapping on big fines.
And the guards turn a blind eye and drink their pissy cuppa
Cos they’re busy watching YouTube on CCTV
Ordering Chinese takeouts on their work walkie talkies
Slavering at the thought of their Friday night tea.

While the queues are ten times bigger than the crowd for Take That
Kids screaming, posers preening, lads in gangs of rip off Nike
Folk stampeding wildly and they’re squashing shoppers flat,
Posting shit on facebook and then checking for the likes.
Photos of them shopping and their eyebrows are on fleek
Lynching other women if you see things in your size
Premeditating prospects of a cheap lacy thong
And keeping out your eye on the government funded prize!
Anaesthetized men being dragged on leashes
Following their primani-drugged women like dogs
With ferocious spending habits like blood-letting leeches.
Buying lacy bra sets and kitting out their sprogs.

And the posing, pimping Primani Queens
Resplendent with their golden hair extensions
Pride in their appearance, nails on fleek
High maintenance women with film star pretensions.
Hitting the shop for their Friday night cash splash
£20 budget just to buy their shoddy rags
For their boozy, shmoozy weekend Bacardi bash
Buying wisely, cheap, hoping for a Friday shag.
For when they’re pissed up in the street and a fit young lad they meet
Then throw it all away when the fallout’s underway
From your binge-pissed, gin kissed, night on the tiles
And your greasy chicken kebab is coming right back up to play.

Label’s with names like ‘Rebel’ for kids
Should really say ‘designed for little naughty shits’.
Fashion straight off the streets of a gangland paradise
Complete with Gangsta attitude and parental advice
Though I don’t think the imitation knuckledusters
Are particularly nice.
‘Atmosphere’ for our princess eligibility
The oppressive atmosphere at your local boozer
After ten pints of Stella and the drama of infidelity
And coming worse for wear with the mountainous bruiser,

Clothes that last as long as a box of chocolates
At a Weight Watchers’ failures’ anonymous meeting
Where the pounds have piled on and the poor duration of
the chocolates in the box is momentary, fleeting.

And I hear that Birmingham they have built a Primark paradise
With cafes and Disney, spread over 5 floors
I see spending sprees, I see solicitors’ fees. I see financial wars on couples
I see women kicking husbands out the council house doors
A beauty salon with the logo – ‘Duck and Dry’,
Should really be renamed to ‘fuck it up and cry’
Buy yourself a painted face for under a measly fiver
Look like a slap faced whore, gang banged by Crayola
Eyebrows painted like two copulating slugs
Foundation thick and moist like sticky marzipan
Lashes like you’re trapped in a spider’s web
Is it worth it just to look like a drag queen man.
Glam in a can, beauty down the pan.

So goodbye to Versace
Ditch Dolce and Gabanna
Shove it, Chanel, in a rough and ready manner
Get down to Primark
Be the next Primani Queen
Bollocks to Vivienne Westwood
Her prices are obscene!
Primark! Primark! Retailer of our hearts
Its only cash
But its cash we splash
With our hard earned pounds we part.
Let’s hear it for
PRIMARK!

© Sarah Drury 2019