dying – Sarah Drury

My husband died 9 years ago so not only was it my loss, but my 3 year old son’s too. He has never really spoken about his father before, it is as though he never existed at times, but the other day, when it was our 10th wedding anniversary, my son’s grief suddenly hit him and came out in a huge torrent of emotion. It was a liberating event for him, but devastating at the time, for both of us. I have written this simple poem for him.

To see you
Bleeding your
Heart out
There, son
With your tears
For daddy
9 years gone
His body now
Ashes in urns
Feelings exploding
In turns
of Rage
And sorrow
Crying for a father
For who there’s
No tomorrow
Holding hands
With thin air
Wish I could
Borrow
A future
For you
And daddy

You said you feel
Cheated
9 years passed
When you could
Have amassed
Memories
Moments that last
Forever
Rage
When you’re at
A stage
Going into puberty
You missed all that
Sitting on
Daddy’s knee
And I’m trying to see
How I can make
It up to you

I want to mend
Your broken heart
Fix the trauma
Of being apart
From him
From the man who
Was our rock
Who stood by us
Through thick
And thin
Who passed away
And could
Never say
“I love you son”
And you were
Too young
To comprehend
It’s sad that
Our love had
To end

All I can do is
Hold you close
Son
Salve your
Broken tears
Try to be the most
Empathetic mother
For there is
No other
Now
It’s just me
And you
So sorry, Kid
There’s nothing
On this Earth
I can
Do.

My husband was in the Freeman Hospital waiting for a heart transplant. The days and hours I sat by his bedside, hope in my heart, waiting for a miracle…

The Angels Took Your Last Breath

I sit here
Your still hand in my hand of warmth and hope
And wish that I could feel a movement
A random twitch
A palm around my warm blooded hand
I sit here like an ostrich, hopes in unrealistic dreams
Burying my head in the sand
Wishing for days away, in the car, music blaring on the radio
Blasting out our favourite band
Sharing our joy and passion,
Carefree, equinamity,
And

I sit here
Bleep bleep
Alarming sounds
Nurses do their rounds
My heart thumps, my head pounds
It was my last reserve but I found
Strength in adversity
This bed so high tech
Machines calling all the shots
Taking your precious breath
And for all the dreams about death
I cling to my last thread of knowing you are somewhere
Out of your broken body
Maybe watching over me
Maybe you can see
My devotion
Maybe this was meant to be

And the stars aligned
A universe, a spiritual decree
Maybe you are far away
Maybe I will never get you back
For you are too far gone to stay
The days of joy, the days that we would lay
On rumpled sheets
Smiles on our blissful faces
All I want to do is play
Is play
With you
But now the thing I have to do

Is sit here
God try and get me through
This unknowing
This clinging onto maybe you’ll get well
Amidst the machines and tubes and wires
Amidst this technological death knell
And I love you so much
I long for your touch
On my face
A stroke of the palm
A never ending embrace
And I love you
But this feels like a race
And we are coming last

I sit here
Nurses telling me its time
You’re not here
Your heart was your final crime
And I sit amid the sorrow
The alarms which bleep, the monitors which chime
And then silence
A breath stolen from a beautiful man
A heartbeat that I never again can
Feel
Warmth drifts slowly away
Welcomed by the bitter cold of death
I’ll never forget when the machine took your last breath.
And I hold your hand
I take in your face
I cannot bear to take a huge embrace
We lost my darling,
We lost the race of life
And now a widow
But forever your loving wife
Forever your loving wife.

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