It is the 9th anniversary of my husband’s death and it got me thinking about just how faithless my life has become. I struggle each day with anxiety and mental illness and when my husband was here, I coped so much better as he was my rock. I feel like I need something to hold onto, a little more faith. It got me thinking, so here’s something it inspired…

Times like these
I think
Why do you
Have no faith?
I look around
At the
Of Sacred Hearts
Of crucifixes
Of candles
Burned to
Blackened charcoal
Inspirational religious

In my home
Does not sit around
With his disciple
Turning Evian
Into Chardonnay
Mary doesn’t
Boast about
Her puritan pussy
The fact that
She was able
To suckle Jesus
At the breast

My palms don’t bleed
My crown is insanity
Not thorns

But I feel it
The lack
The emptiness
The feeling
That I am
The spiritual full stop

I will try

I know the universe
Is Bigger

©2020 Sarah Drury

I Remember a Time

I remember a time
Back when our innocence was Christmas
And love was Christmas
And peace was Christmas
And Joy was Christmas

Today I cancelled a haircut
I cancelled a haircut because I’m living on the bones of my arse
And I don’t want my child to wake up to no presents
I don’t want his pile of pleasure to be meagre and sparse
And the sense of pride I felt walking out of the toy shop
With 2 bags of toys and hair looking like crap
When I’m caught in the commercialism of our days
Caught in the have, have, have, not need, trap.
Like a vulture lurking over a dying breed
Like a human possessed by consumer greed.

Today I went to the cashpoint
And took out my last fifty pounds
Hoping my child tax credit will stop me making the cash convertors rounds
And being a mother, I always come last
And being a widow, I wear a happy mask
And where are the presents for me?
But I am so used to being the invisible recipient
I only get the gifts that come free
The ones you cannot see.
And that is ok
By me.

Today I put up the tree
A bargain from the pop up Christmas shop
Looks like shit but once the gaudy baubles hide
Its anorexic branches, once the lights are twinkling
Then the cheap as shit look will stop.
And it stands there proudly
As proud as any rich bitch tree
A symbol of years of austerity
But I don’t care
My tree says I have tried
I have really tried

Money is nice, it buys things
It buys things
But I remember when simplicity was Christmas
I remember when gratefulness was Christmas
I remember when asking for nothing was Christmas

And I wonder where did it all go horribly wrong
When did the world start singing this god awful consumerist song?

©2019 Sarah Drury